Tag: relationships

Tiles

Is the World Just 1s and 0s?

On By epil(epsy)ogueIn lifestyle, Personal Stories, RelationshipLeave a comment

Are you seeking security or adventure?

My formal education background is in STEM. I grew up in a household where there was always analysis and a solution. Naturally, when there is a problem in my life, whether it be professional, romantic, or fiscal, I approach it with logic.

Recently, I have started to watch the show Mr. Robot. If you happen to never have heard of it, it is about a young man, Elliot, with social anxiety who works in cyber security, yet is a vigilante hacker. He is very against corporate America despite working for it. He falls into an intense situation where his morals are questioned. I refuse to give any spoilers, but so far the show is phenomenal.

It’s all just 1s and 0s

At one point in the show Mr. Robot is telling Elliot that life does not have any grey areas; It is all 1s and 0s. This has been a concept I have been struggling with for some time.

Not because I disagreed, but because I agreed.

projection of binary on a woman's face
Photo by Rada Aslanova

Let me give you an example using my relationships. I’d perform an assessment, and if I detected – or if the other person vocalized – anything less than 100% commitment, a “1,” I would end the relationship immediately. There was no grey area: if it wasn’t a “1,” it was a “0,” a complete “out.” I refused to dedicate my energy to a relationship lacking that full investment. Some might interpret this as Anxious-Avoidant Attachment, though I haven’t undergone any formal assessment.

Security or Adventure?

Recently, my binary approach has been thrown into question. Security and adventure are not mutually exclusive. As my partner says, it’s about balance.

I am seeking security and adventure. It is possible to have a reliable relationship with emotional stability with somebody who you can share wonderful adventures. I know it exists.

The ideal blend of the two will likely change as life progresses, and priorities change. But I plan to be intentional on not letting my binary approach let my pursuit of stability undermine my need for adventure and stifle my love for growth and learning.

What Are Your Thoughts?

Do you see the world in 1s and 0s? Do you prefer to live in the grey?

Create the Perfect Apology With These Five Tips

On By epil(epsy)ogueIn Health and Wellness, lifestyle, Mental HealthLeave a comment

‘Tis the season of forgiveness.

We all have said, and done things that we regret. We know we messed up. So how do we start the apology process? Sometimes it seems impossible.

If we break down the process into steps, and gather our emotions, it’s not.

Here are five ways to communicate that you are sorry, and have the other person feel your sincerity. 

Express your regret or remorse. Something happened, and it didn’t turn out well. How do you feel about what happened? Were your actions something regretful? Do you feel utterly empty without the other party’s presence in your life? Be honest and open about how you feel about the result of what happened.

Explain what you think went wrong (without pointed phrases). Pointed phrases are statements that shift responsibility to the other party. They invalidate the other person’s feelings. An example of a pointed phrase is “I’m sorry that you were offended” or “I’m sorry, but you…” They have every right to feel what they feel, as do you. As much as you wouldn’t want them to dismiss your feelings, don’t dismiss theirs. 

Request forgiveness and allow as much time as the other needs to process their emotions. Putting a time limit, or expressing an expected date of when the other person should forgive you, will most likely cause the other person to not want to even begin the forgiveness process. 

Before composing: Give yourself time to be in a space where you feel ready and able to apologize. Being sincere is more important than rushing an apology. Emotions of remorse best translate in a face to face interaction. in times of COVID-19, that may not be an option, but consider a video visit. Likewise, just your voice can convey sincerity over the phone. 

If you want to say sorry but feel like an in person or over the phone apology would cause more issues (ie. Interruptions, raised voices), a hand written one is better than none. No deed is too small if the relationship is worth restoring.

You are ready forgive/apologize, and move forward. How do you know the other party is ready? You won’t necessarily know. But don’t let assuming that the other party is not ready to forgive, hold you back from reaching out with an apology.

Do you feel like you need to apologize to someone? Are you going to use the tips above? Let us know, in the comments, how your apology was accepted (or denied).

Purple Day and Pandemic 2020

On By epil(epsy)ogueIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

It is scary living with a chronic, uncontrolled illness on a normal day. With the emergence of COVID-19 (coronavirus), it is easy to feel incapacitated.

The need to put your health care first, especially when you have loved ones that need care also, can be difficult. This conundrum has put me in a tough situation. 

The smart doctors and scientists of the world are recommending physical (previously called social) distancing, and to self-isolate if you have symptoms. I don’t have symptoms – yet. And I am not kidding myself by thinking I will not get sick from this.

They are estimating 50% of people will get COVID-19. If I look at my household, between my husband and I… I will be the one to get sick. 

However, I think the best thing I could do right now is to stay at home, isolate myself for at least the next two weeks, and wait to see how the world is then, to make a plan moving forward. Seems really safe, right? 

Not actually. 

My husband still is going to work, as he works an essential job and is at low risk of infection. Because he is my main caretaker, he is the one having to go get my medications, and the household supplies. That puts him out there.

That means he is at a higher risk of contracting the virus, period. Then he comes home to me. We have a “decontamination room” at the back of the house where he strips down and sanitizes. That can only do so much. 

Regardless, he has still been exposed and therefore is exposing me to the virus just by being in the house. Not to mention our wanting to snog transfers all viruses and cooties. 

So where do we draw the line? Where do we find the comfort of “I’m doing everything I can” and keep the practicality of “I still have to live my life.” 

Maybe just holding on to the hope that the majority of the world is also practicing social distancing and washing their hands frequently and effectively, is all that we have right now.

Please, consider sending a text, a tweet, a DM, or video call to the people in your life that you know are supporting people in the high risk group. Thank them for helping reduce the curve. And a big thanks to you, if you are that person.

It is fortunate that I have a job that I can do – fairly well – from home. But it puts a burden on my fellow staff to pick up the slack on all the physical work that I’m no longer there to do.

I am ashamed telling my boss that I have to stay home; because I’m too scared of dying of SUDEP because the strain that getting sick puts on my uncontrolled brain. I need to thank them more, for holding the front lines, and being so understanding.

I want to thank my friends, my in-laws, and my parents, for not taking it personally when I tell them I can’t physically be with them for the unforeseeable future. I appreciate and love all of them.

I hope you feel that kind of support from the people in your life. 

Who do you appreciate the most right now? What do you find most difficult in these troubling times? Share with us in the comments.